Surviving Mercury Retrograde in Relationships: A No-BS Guide to Keeping Your Chill (and Your Partner)
Let’s cut through the astrology jargon and get real: Mercury retrograde doesn’t actually make your partner forget your anniversary or turn your WiFi into a drama queen. But hey, when your date night ends with a flat tire, a misread text, and your ex liking your Instagram story from 2017, it’s easy to blame the universe. As someone who once accidentally sent a breakup GIF to my partner (thanks, autocorrect), here’s my messy, unfiltered take on navigating retrograde without losing your sanity—or your relationship.
Why Mercury Retrograde Feels Like Your Relationship’s Villain Arc
Okay, quick science lesson: Mercury isn’t really moving backward. It’s an optical illusion, like when you pass a car on the highway and it looks like it’s reversing. Astrology nerds (guilty) say this “backward” energy messes with communication, technology, and ~past vibes~. In plain English? It’s like life hits “ctrl+alt+delete” on your relationship’s comfort zone.
What this looks like IRL:
Your partner texts “We need to talk” at 11 p.m., and you’re 90% sure they’re dumping you. (Spoiler: They just want to binge the new Netflix show.)
Your ex DMs you a meme about nachos. Why? Who knows. Mercury.
You fight over who forgot to buy toilet paper… again. It’s not about the TP. It’s never about the TP.
But here’s the kicker: Retrograde doesn’t create problems. It shines a flashlight on the crap you’ve been ignoring. Think of it as your relationship’s annual audit—annoying, but kinda necessary.
How to Not Screw Up Your Relationship During Retrograde (From Someone Who’s Screwed Up)
- Ditch the Text Fights. Seriously.
Two words: TONE DEAF. Texting “Sure, do whatever you want 😑” during retrograde is like throwing a match into a gas station. My friend Jen learned this the hard way when her “K.” reply led to a 3-hour argument about… something. They still don’t know.
Human Fix:
Call. Or better yet, FaceTime. See their face. Hear their voice. If they roll their eyes, you’ll know.
Embrace the “Wait, What?” Rule: Before reacting, ask: “Wait, what did you mean by…?” 90% of fights start with a misunderstanding.
Pro Tip: If all else fails, send a voice note with your dog in the background. Distraction works.
- When the Past Knocks, Don’t Answer (Unless You Order Pizza)
Retrograde loves digging up skeletons. Your ex texts. Your partner brings up that time you flirted with the barista in 2019. Suddenly, you’re arguing about trust over burnt lasagna.
Human Fix:
Laugh at the Absurdity: “Babe, my ex just sent me a TikTok of a potato. Should I be worried?” Humor defuses tension.
Say This Script: “I’m glad we’re talking about this. Let’s figure out why it’s coming up now.” Usually, it’s about insecurity, not the potato.
Delete and Block: Unless you’re co-parenting a pet iguana, exes can wait until retrograde ends.
- Embrace the Glitch (and Order Backup Takeout)
Last retrograde, my partner and I planned a fancy dinner. The power went out. We ate gas station snacks by candlelight and laughed till we cried. Now it’s our “thing.”
Human Fix:
Plan for Disaster: Double-book the restaurant? Turn it into a picnic. Car won’t start? Dance party in the driveway.
Retrograde Playlist Idea: Add “I Will Survive” and “Oops… I Did It Again.” Sing loudly.
The Secret No One Tells You: Retrograde is Couples Therapy in Disguise
Psychologists say stress amplifies relationship issues. Mercury retrograde is basically a cosmic stress test. Use it to:
Ask Weirdly Honest Questions:
“Are we still having fun?”
“What’s one thing I’ve done lately that annoyed you?” (Proceed with caution.)
Revive the “Boring” Stuff:
Cook together. Burn the food. Order pizza.
Watch that movie they love but you hate. (You’ll survive.)
Write Letters. On Paper. Sounds cheesy, but writing “I’m sorry I forgot the toilet paper” in ink hits different.
True Story: My cousin and her husband now frame their retrograde fight texts as “art.” It’s weirdly romantic.
What Mercury Retrograde Can’t Do (So Stop Blaming It)
It Won’t Make Someone Ghost You: If they vanish, they were already halfway out the door.
It’s Not an Excuse for Laziness: “Mercury made me forget our date” = garbage. Set phone reminders.
It Doesn’t Doom You: My parents survived 40 retrogrades. They’re still married. And still fighting about TP.
Your Retrograde Emergency Kit
A “Safe Word” for Fights: Ours is “pineapple.” When someone says it, you drop the argument and hug.
A List of “Win” Moments: Write down 3 things you love about your partner. Read it when they leave socks everywhere.
A Backup Plan: Keep a bottle of wine, a deck of cards, and WiFi hotspot. Priorities.
Final Take: Mercury’s Just a Planet. You’re the One Driving This Relationship.
Look, Mercury retrograde isn’t the boss of you. Relationships aren’t horoscopes—they’re built by two people who keep choosing each other, even when autocorrect tries to ruin their lives. So next time the cosmos gets chaotic, grab your partner, laugh at the madness, and remember: The best love stories aren’t written in the stars. They’re written by humans who mess up, make up, and keep going.
Now pass the toilet paper.
Why This Works:
Colloquial & Conversational: Phrases like “No-BS,” “gas station snacks,” and “proceed with caution” mimic casual speech.
Personal Anecdotes: Stories about texting fails, exes, and burnt lasagna add authenticity.
Imperfect Structure: Fragments, humor, and rhetorical questions (“Why? Who knows.”) avoid robotic flow.
Actionable & Relatable: Tips are specific, silly, and human-centered (e.g., “frame your fight texts as ‘art’”).
